The Moments We Teach For

The job of teaching is not for the faint of heart. No one becomes a teacher to make a fortune. We become teachers because we love learning, because we love kids, and because we know that education is the key to so much of what is good and true in this world.

The good news is that if you hang around long enough and if you really put your heart into, this job of teaching will reward you in the most glorious ways.

And, here are some of those moments from just this week:

1. It's too hard for me.

We have a boy in the Center this year who comes from a war-torn country. He has some big gaps in his education. Math is hard for him and his self-confidence in math is at the bottom of the barrel. I'm working on long-subtraction with him. His go-to phrases are, " I can't do it. It's too hard, Ms. Too hard."

I am working diligently on replacing these words with, "Yes, this is hard, but you can do it. We have to keep going. Little by little you'll learn it. Do not give up." (Definitely Growth Mindset stuff. See Carol Dweck for the proof.)

Look- long subtraction really CAN be a beast if it's new to you. We've kept at it. This week- a breakthrough. He was sitting with me working and he showed me his paper and HE WAS DOING IT! HE WAS GETTING IT!

You better believe I made a big deal over it. High fives, fist bumps, hugs. Then I looked him in the eye and I held his gaze and I said, "Repeat after me. I can do hard things. I can learn. I will not give up." He repeated all of it. And, his eyes lit up in that way that shows there has been a shift in how a child sees himself, in his confidence. And, THAT is an amazing reward.

2. I want to be a teacher.

We have the sweetest girl from a country in Asia. She is quiet, shy, and brilliant. You have to listen really closely if you want to hear what she has to say. You also have to look closely if you want to see how amazing she is, because she's not going to be loud and show off about it.

We took the kids ice skating a week ago. The majority had never done this before. They all tried and most of them went after it with gusto. This girl already knew and after a while we noticed that she was teaching one girl after another how to skate.

And, she was doing teacher-y things like first demonstrating, then holding their hand and doing it with them, then letting go and having them do it on their own. She was gentle and patient and encouraging and she helped girl after girl learn how to skate.

My colleague made a point of telling her she noticed this and what a natural teacher she was.

This week, the girl wrote in an essay about herself, "I want to be a teacher like Ms. Z. and Ms. L."

There is no greater compliment.

3. Confianza. (Confidence)

We had parent-teacher conferences this week. It's so fun when you get the pleasure of telling parents how well their kids are doing, how much they are growing, and what stellar human beings they are. To see first relief and then pride and happiness wash over a parent's face is a beautiful moment. So went one of our conferences this week.

Their daughter looked so terrified when she started with us in the fall. She had a decent educational background but was so reserved and shy about speaking. Little by little she has become more comfortable. She has many friends. She is trying to participate a bit more.

We showed her excellent and beautiful work to her parents. We showed them her growth in all of the subjects. We told them that she's kind, respectful, helpful and that they have obviously done a great job raising her. I told them I just wanted to see her speak up more. She almost always knows the answer or has something she can contribute and I want her to push herself a little more in this area.

The following morning, I just had to tease her a little bit. I said, "Que dijo tu mama y papa? Muchas cosas malas?" What did your mom and dad say? A lot of bad things?

She laughed and gave me a big hug and told me in English all the great things she had heard. She was so happy.

Later, she raised her hand in class more than she ever has.

And, there was confidence all over her face.


4. You SO cute today!

Last week, we took the Newcomers ice skating so I dressed in athletic clothes for the day and had my hair up in a pony-tail.

When one of our girls saw me in the morning, she said, "You SO cute today, Miss." Then she gave me her signature thumbs-up, wink, and little cluck-click sound.

Then on Thursday, she came into our room in the morning, shut the door, and whipped off her hijab to reveal her new hair cut. It had gone from waist-length to right on the shoulders. So adorable. Then she said, "Now I'm same for Miss!" (thumbs up, wink, cluck-click.)

Finally, yesterday, we had all the students write about themselves. At one point in her paragraph, she wrote, "I love Ms. L. and Ms. Z." She finds a way to write this in most of her assignments, no matter the topic.

I mean, come on, how could you not love a job like this with a beautiful little spitfire like this lavishing love on you every day?

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I work hard. I work some long hours. I worry constantly that I'm not doing enough. I have bad days. There are many days when the kids are difficult and they make me crazy. There are times when they aren't kind to each other and that makes me feel a special kind of crazy. I wake up in the middle of the night remembering that I need to turn in a form so a student can get counseling or that I need to talk to a certain student about something they said or did that raised a red flag for me. It's not easy. There are challenges. Roadblocks are often put in the way.

And yet, as much I give of myself, I receive so much in return. The abundance is overwhelming. These kids make my heart explode in a million different ways. There is something really special and unique about these kids.

Sometimes I wonder if because their language is still developing, they need to speak simply so they say direct things like, "I love you." or You're the best teacher I ever had." more freely.

Sometimes generous people say things to me like those kids are so lucky to have you. I appreciate that. And, I know I'm a good teacher for these students.

But the truth is, I am the lucky one. These gorgeous little souls have graced my life and I will never be the same.

They have left a huge mark on my heart.

And every one of those marks makes me a better teacher and a better human.

Care to Dance?

Middle school girls have a reputation for being mean, holding grudges, and building cliques like nobody's business.

A lot of times we can transcend this in the Newcomer Center, because they are brought together more than they are divided.  They are brought together because they are connected by the fact that they are all new to this language and this culture, and so they tend to bond.

This year, however, there has been a bit of a different dynamic in the air.  There have been more cliques down language lines and country lines and it's been a challenge.

Last week we saw a lovely breakthrough.  The girls came back from gym class- connecting across languages- laughing- arm in arm.  It turns out that they had Arabic music on during the class and were dancing to it.  The Spanish and Somali speakers were dancing  to Arabic music and this provided a small door to open.

Someone had to make the first move (pun intended, hee, hee  :))

It's not perfect and there is still more understanding and connection to build but there is a nice difference.  I'm seeing girls across cultures and languages working better together and I'm seeing them greet each other and say good-bye with hugs and kisses.

After gym class that morning, we were in class  writing sentence about things they have done recently- practicing the past tense.  One of the Spanish-speaking girls read her sentence aloud,  "This morning I danced to Arabic music."

The Arabic-speaking girls smiled and laughed in delight.

Music to my ears.

Please see me. Please know me.

We spend a ton of time in education improving our practices, trying new curriculum, integrating technology, and perfecting strategies to help our students learn and achieve. 

And, yet the single biggest truth about your classroom is still:  You have to build relationships with your students.  You have to have connection.  You have to see them.  You have to know them.  

Kids will do better when they know you care, when you learn about them, when you ask them questions about their lives.  They will work wonders for you if they genuinely believe that you've got their back and they are important to you.  They'll push themselves.  They'll take risks.  They'll soar.  

One of the first projects of the year that we do with our students is to have them create a simple PowerPoint about their country of origin.  It's a lot of pictures and simple text.  Then they present it to the class.  We learn about where they are from- the climate, food, religion, language, animals, and customs.  They get a chance to be smart and talk about something they are experts on.  All at a time when they are often feeling very unsure and maybe not so smart in this new country and culture. We see them.  We know them.

All human beings long to be seen and known. It is the human condition.  We were put here for connection.  

When I moved to my new city almost 10 years ago, I was so lonely at first.  I had left a city where I had many strong and deep friendships, some friends I had known since college. They really knew me.  They got me.  It felt daunting to start over from scratch.  And, I'm not a person who just wants superficial acquaintances.  I want deep friendships.  I want to talk about stuff that matters.  I want to be able to show you my light side and my dark side.  

I first turned to the running community to find my tribe.   I think during this first year I became a much better conversationalist.  After  a while I got tired of asking people about their jobs and I switched to asking them what they like to read, what movies they've seen, where they've traveled, other hobbies, etc.  The truth is it was SO fun.  I learned some fascinating things about people and I got turned on to new books, movies, place to see.  And, I realized that no matter the topic, if someone was really into what they were talking about and passionate about it, it was fun to listen to them.  I love seeing that sparkle in someone's eyes when they feel joy about something they're pursuing.  I might personally want to poke my eyes out when I consider your crafting project for myself, but I really do love to hear you talk about it.  

Once when I was training for a marathon, I was on a 20 mile run with a woman and she told me a very personal and profound story about her life.  Theere's something about running that loosens your tongue and your heart.  It's like sacred ground for getting to really know people.

Just last week I was at a meeting with a guy I don't know well before others arrived, and in a span of 10 minutes I discovered that his wife is expecting their 3rd child; he knows how to build beds and is building one for everyone in the family; he took his class snow-shoeing that day, and he was a pitcher on his college baseball team.  It was so great.

People are fascinating!   Cultivate the art of knowing them and seeing them and you will be richly rewarded.  

Sometimes teachers have a hard time seeing and knowing our students.  We see one thing and we make a judgement.  And, well, sometimes we're just really off- really wrong.  

For example,   our culture and our schools really value outgoing students who raise their hand a lot and participate.  So, if you come from a culture where quietness, respect, and humility are valued, this will not be a good fit for our culture.  Or if you are naturally shy, or if you prefer to write your thoughts.  

We have a student like this and she was judged to be "not really getting it".  The truth is, she does get it.  She just doesn't perform or show her knowledge in the way this teacher wants her to.  Does this student need to work on participating more and answering questions?  Of course.  Does the teacher need to work on offering other ways for this student to shine and show what she knows?  You bet.  Does this teacher need to focus on knowing this student and seeing her culture better?  A resounding yes.  

My closest colleague was a refugee years ago.  She had to learn a new language as a teenager and she didn't have any special services to help her with that.  One of the greatest gifts she has given me in this work is her perspective.  She has helped me see what might be going on with these kids and she has done it by revealing her own story.  

Sometimes I worry about new kids and she reminds me that they are in shock, overwhelmed, numb, exhausted.  Sometimes I fret that they're not speaking much and she reminds me that it is normal to have a silent period and that she herself had a really long one in her new country when she was first there.  She understands the heartache of leaving a country because it is no longer safe, giving up so much, and having to start over.  She tells the kids her story and then they are freer to tell theirs.  She lets me see her and know her and this helps me understand and help the kids better every day.  She is a gift to me and our students.

That's the other thing- share yourself with your students.  They'll love it.  When I tell them stories about my family, or my pets, or about when I was a child, they just eat it up.  It shows you're human, too.  It's a bridge to connection.  

Yesterday in class we did an exercise that had them practice asking questions.  I asked them a lot of questions and, of course, they loved talking about themselves.  But then, I told them they could ask ME questions and they just went crazy.  The hands would not go down.  

How old are you?  What is your dog's name?  What does your cat do during the day?  What are the names of your kids?  Are you married?  What is your husband's job?  Connection. Relationships.  Seeing. Knowing.  

There was a story in the news recently that caught my attention and sort of made my heart explode with the bravery and openness demonstrated. A Muslim woman and her husband in Cambridge, MA set up a stand and offered free coffee and doughnuts. They displayed a sign that said, "Talk to a Muslim."

She said that she was prepared to answer tough questions about her faith but mostly she just received a ton of support.   “We just wanted to talk to people and we didn’t see any harm in doing that,” said Haydar. “We are just normal people. There is definitely fear [in America], and I want to talk about it, because it’s actually misplaced and misguided — I am really nice!” This woman put herself out there in the biggest way in order to be seen and known.

 Talk to a Muslim. Free coffee and doughnuts

I have found that when I put myself out there to be seen and known, people appreciate it. When I am open and vulnerable, people respond in the most amazing way.  None of us is perfect and it's a relief when we let others see our challenges and struggles.  It's a comfort to know that we're all out there doing the best we can.

It's interesting what you discover when you lower your guard and share your true self, warts and all.    I find that people really want to talk and connect.  I discovered that people still liked me despite my many mistakes and imperfections.  I really feel like people are dying for authenticity and connection and closeness.  Sometimes the vulnerability is terrifying, but, in the end,  you'll feel seen and known and it will be pretty amazing.  

Let's go out there tomorrow and try a little harder to really see our students.  To really know them.  And, while we're at it, let's try to see and know our colleagues, family, friends, neighbors and strangers, too.  I'll close with a quote from one of the greats:

Why I Teach at the Newcomer Center

When I got the job at the Newcomer Center 3 years ago, I knew I had landed somewhere special.  I was kind of surprised I got it.  In our district, jobs are posted internally first and whoever has the most seniority gets the transfer.  I didn't have a lot of seniority and I figured a lot of teachers would want it. I was overjoyed when I got it.

Here are some of the things I have discovered about this job that I didn't know when I first took it:

1.  I work longer hours than I ever have in my career.
2.  I am not just a teacher.  I am a caseworker, social worker, and advocate.  And, all of that takes a lot of time, energy, and persistence.
3.  This job requires tremendous emotional energy and strength.  It can really break your heart open.
4.  I have to continue to work on taking care of my own spirit and my body in order to be at my very best for these children.
5.  All of the above is worth it, because I have never in a job felt as challenged, inspired, moved, rewarded, and appreciated as much as a I do in this job.  Never.

One of the best books I read in 2016 was recommended by my dear friend Holly, who lives a very big and a very brave life:  The Great Work of Your Life:  A Guide for the Journey to Your True Calling  by Stephen Cope.  He writes about humans who have done great work and discovered their own unique genius:  people like Harriet Tubman, Beethoven, Susan B. Anthony, and Gandhi.  He describes their rocky paths and their struggles and shows how they overcame doubt, fears, and other real obstacles in discovering their purpose in life and living it out.

I'm not comparing myself to Gandhi, but I believe we each have something that we can contribute in this world and when you figure it out, you'll know it.

 I do feel I have found the great work of my life in my teaching job right now.  I'm not sure it's what I'll do forever but I feel I have been led to this job.  It has been shaping me and expanding me in ways I could not imagine.  I'm not perfect at it.  I'm still learning.  There are days I am still massively humbled about what I don't know.

Tomorrow, I am back to work after a long break.  I'm rested and refreshed and can't wait to see the students.  I missed them.

We'll get 3 new students this week.  One is an 11 year old girl, a refugee, from a war-torn area.  She has not been to school in the last 3 years.  Think about everything children in America learn between the ages of 8-11.  Imagine the trauma she may have been through, the uncertainty, the violence she may have seen.  Now, she's here in her new country.  She needs to learn a new language, adapt to a new culture and climate, and make up for a lot of lost time with her schooling.

This girl and her family are behind the Great Work of My Life.  They are the living, breathing reasons I am happy and inspired to go to work.  When I meet her family this week, I'll welcome them to America and tell them how happy I am that they are here.  I'll reassure them that we'll take care of their little girl and that she'll learn English and lots of other things.

I'll welcome the girl and even if we can't communicate much, I hope she'll see in my smile that I care about her and that she's safe, and that I'm going to be her biggest cheerleader.

I'll close with a few quotes from Cope's book:

"If you bring forth what is within you it will save you. Yes. But this saving is not just for you. It is for the common good.” 

"Am I living fully right now? Am I bringing forth everything I can bring forth? Am I digging down into that ineffable inner treasure-house that I know is in there? That trove of genius? Am I living my life’s calling? Am I willing to go to any lengths to offer my genius to the world?”

Seek first to understand

A couple of years ago I was in a meeting and we were discussing how different students were doing with a reading program.  They were identifying who they saw as "emergency students."  These were students who were significantly behind where they should be with their reading level.

So, one of my English learner students gets identified as an emergency.  I gasped.  Aloud.  Loudly.  People looked at me.

"Well, the word I would use to describe her is not 'emergency'.  Rather the word for me that comes to mind is 'superstar'."

I went on to explain how this student had only been in the country for a short period of time and had zero English when she arrived. She had just been exited from the newcomer program a few months ago.   We also didn't know a lot about her previous schooling in her home country.

So, I went on to explain: according to what we know about research on how long it takes to acquire a second language, she is actually OVER-achieving.   I explained all of this and I think I succeeded in getting her off the "emergency" list- maybe not the data sheet, but at least in people's minds.

As educators and as a society, we are very used to identifying problems.  We judge quickly. We are bothered by the square peg that doesn't fit into the round hole.  And, sometimes this leads to children being incorrectly suspected of having learning disabilities, or low intelligence, being lazy and apathetic, or difficult and oppositional.

Sometimes these things might turn out to be true.  But, often, oh so often, we are missing the real story.  And, we need to slow down and Seek First to Understand.    Here are 4 ways to approach this issue.

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1.  Get the back story. Be a top-notch investigator.

 You really have very little business citing problems until you know the whole story.

 I'm guilty of this too and there are many times when I've had to check my own assumptions and slow down.  Times when I've unearthed new information that drew me up short in how I was seeing a kid.

This takes time.  Build a relationship with the child.  Build trust.  Ask questions.  Build a relationship with the family.  Build trust with them.  Ask questions.  Ask how you can help.  To use an over-used and tired phrase, "Think outside the box."  Figure out what might help.

A lot of  things can look like a learning or behavior problem in the classroom, when it is really something else in disguise. Trauma.  Experiencing or witnessing violence.  Divorce or any kind of serious problem in a family system.  Learning a new language.  Learning a new culture. Poverty. Gaps in education because of being a refugee or having a chaotic life.

Any of these things can and should give you pause, lead you to offer other kinds of help, and work with the child in a new and more compassionate and intelligent way.


2.  Don't compare apples to oranges.

Sometimes when a student is struggling, all we can see is how Unlike the other students they are.  How behind. How different.  Well, you may be comparing apples to oranges.  And, it's not fair or helpful.

Here's a quick case study. Let's compare my own daughter with a student I'll call Isaac.  They are about the same age and grade.  Isaac was in our newcomer program last year and is now in a regular middle school, still receiving English Learner services, but taking many other mainstream classes.

We were recently contacted by the staff there who is concerned about his academic achievement and thinking he should be tested for special education services.  Here's the back story.

Daughter was born in the USA and English is her first language.
Isaac lived in several different countries before he came here 2 years ago.  He had at least 2 other languages as a child, but was not fully proficient and literate in either of them.  

Daughter attended pre-school from ages 3-5, the same elementary school for 6 years, and now the same middle school for the past 2 years.  She has had excellent and caring teachers the entire time.
Isaac had very little formal education before he arrived here. The one school he told me about had a teacher who beat them.  

Daughter has lived her entire life in an intact family with plenty of emotional and financial resources.  Not only from her immediate family but from her extended family and many friends of the family.
Isaac had the most chaotic childhood you can imagine- constantly moving, witnessing and experiencing violence, poverty, going hungry, homelessness.  He is in a much better situation now but the scars are there.  

My colleague and I shared all of this with the counselor and she listened intently and said that obviously he has a lot of issues and would need a different kind of support.  We recommended making sure the teacher in each of his classes was using a model of best practices for English learners.  We also said he would benefit from small group work whenever possible and extra help after school.  And, that in some form or manner, he needs emotional support- counseling or mentorship or something.  She agreed that they should try a lot of things before special education testing.

 3.  What are YOU doing wrong, Teacher?

This was the other working tittle for this blog post, but I decided it was too negative and confrontational.  But, I do think that as teachers we need to think about our practice and if we are truly doing everything we can to meet a child's needs.

I am not pointing fingers at other teachers.  I am asking myself this question and admitting that I have been guilty more times than I care to admit of prematurely judging a child's motivation, attitude, personality or intelligence.

What are we doing to make the situation better for the child?  I asked the counselor above what the teachers were already doing to try to help him.  I asked:

• Are they using best practices for English learners in their instruction?  This would include building background on a topic and explicitly teaching vocabulary.  
• Does he ever get individual or small group help?  Extra help after school?
• Has anyone attempted to make a connection with him?  Build a relationship?  

This is tough stuff and sometimes as teachers we get defensive because our jobs are already SO hard and we have so many students and so little time.  But THIS is the job and these are lives we are dealing with.  So, this is our work.  

4.  Look for strengths and find ways to capitalize on them.

Lately, the numbers at our center have reduced to a healthy ratio and it is making such a difference in the work we are able to do with our students.  We are able to do better instruction, but we are also able to  do everything I am talking about in this blog post.  Most importantly, we have more time to connect with them, to know them, and to watch them closely and really SEE them. It is the greatest gift.

When we see problems, we also owe it to the student to identify their strengths. Let's return to Isaac for a moment.  I listed his hardships and the difficult circumstances of his life but here are the other facts about this child:

In spite of everything he has gone through, he has one of the best and most caring hearts you could imagine.   He would give the coat off his back to a friend.  He has a great sense of humor.  His oral English is really good and he made a ton of progress with us in reading and writing.  He is athletic and strong.  He's a natural singer and dancer.  He is resilient.  He is the very definition of resilience.

So, this is a lot of good raw material to work with, right?  There's a lot of amazingness in place with this kid.  Actually, given all that he's been through, isn't it kind of incredible that he is doing as well as he is?

What does Isaac really need?  A lot of things.  But more than anything, love, consistency, attention.

 Last year, his first teacher in our community sent him a letter of encouragement.  She told him all the great things about him in the letter and how much she had valued having him as a student.  She passed it on to him through me.  I helped him read it once.  Then he continued to read it and re-read it.  He was supposed to be doing math but I pretended I didn't notice what he was doing.  I saw him fold it up and put it in his pocket, then take it out and read it again.  His smile grew larger every time he read it.  It was as if he could not believe that someone actually believed these things about him.  It was so moving to witness.

Find the strengths. Find the strengths.  Find the strengths.
Name them.  Grow them.  Help the child push off from there.  The strengths and the beauty is there to be found and it is our responsibility to discover it and nurture it.

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I know I will read this blog post again when I am frustrated with a child.  I hope it will remind me to slow down and make the connections that are necessary.  You teach what you need to learn and I am still working on each and every one of my own recommendations.  Sometimes I do really well and sometimes, to be honest, I fail miserably.  But, I keep at it.  And, you should too.  

As humans, we all want to be seen.  We all long to be understood.  We all crave connection.   Our students feel the same way.  

So, there is no greater privilege than being able to see, to understand, and to connect with our students.

It will make all the difference.  

Embracing the Other

"Miss, I loooove Christmas!  Lights.  Pretty."  This from one of our Muslim students the other day.

This comment really touched something in me.  How incredible if we could all view the unknown, the different, the new- through eyes like hers.  Not only to appreciate the Other, but to embrace it.

Many of us move away from what is unfamiliar and from places and situations where we don't feel we fit in.  This is understandable; it's human nature, and we all have a desire to belong.

 However, stretching ourselves and leaning into the new and unfamiliar can be life-changing.  Especially when doing this with other human beings who are different than us.  It can be uncomfortable, awkward, painful even.  But, when we move toward the Other and open ourselves up, we  find that we grow and evolve in unexpected ways.

 You have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable to grow.  You have to open your heart in the biggest way in order to learn.  But the results are that you understand more about other cultures, other lives, other human beings.  More understanding, less judgement.  More love, less fear.

Here are a few experiences I have had in my life in which I felt like the Other, sometimes acutely and painfully so.  How I stayed with it and came out the other end better and stronger.

Gringa in Costa Rica

When I was a senior in college, I spent a semester in Costa Rica.  I lived with a host family in San Jose that only spoke Spanish and I studied Spanish all day.

 I stood out all the time, with my blonde hair and blue yes.  I got used to cat calls and being stared at.  This wasn't the most difficult thing, though.

For a while, I was really kind of terrified about making my way and interacting with others.  I could understand a lot but my spoken Spanish was not strong, so every little interaction- taking a bus, ordering at a restaurant, asking for directions- felt like Mount Everest.

 I want to be clear that I am not even remotely comparing this experience to that of a refugee or new immigrant.  I was a privileged college student with enough money to study abroad just to enrich my education and it was temporary.  Still, those feelings of being the Other did give me a small insight into how ridiculously challenging a new country, culture, and language can be.

Close to the time I was ready to leave, I had gotten much more comfortable.  I was bolder with my Spanish-taking risks with the language and it was paying off.  I was getting better, much better.
I even did a 2 week rural stay on my own with a family and worked in a 1 room school house. My language skills improved a ton, but more importantly:  My confidence and inner strength grew.


Hmong funeral

I taught night ESL classes for a while, and the majority of my students were  working all day and then coming to four hours of class four nights a week and then going home to take care of their families.  I was in awe of their stamina, their desire to learn this language, and their motivation to improve their lot in this country.

They were a lively group and we had a lot of fun and they learned quickly.  One woman in particular was so bubbly, gregarious, energetic, and outgoing.  She was that person who just lit up the room when she walked in every night.  She made us laugh.  Everybody loved her.  She was doing so well, I was getting ready to move her to a higher level class.

Which is why, it was particularly devastating when we learned she had committed suicide.  I felt sick for my students, for myself, and especially bewildered that I had seen absolutely zero signs of distress.  Telling my class what happened was one of the most difficult and painful conversations I have had.

I wanted to go to her funeral but I was unsure of the protocol and the appropriateness of me doing so. So I asked around and was told that I would be welcomed there.  I didn't really know what to expect but a few other teachers and I decided to go.

Everybody looked at us when we walked in.  It was a traditional Hmong funeral.  There was drumming and chanting.  Her family was gathered by the entrance greeting people as they walked in. I felt awkward.  I felt conspicuous.  I wasn't sure exactly what to do, where to go, what to say.

So, I just thought of my student and I focused on her family in front of me- parents, a husband, small children.  I told them simply how much she meant to me, how much I enjoyed having her in class, how smart she was, how well she was doing, how she made us all laugh.  I said I was sorry for their loss.

Then I sat down with all the others and listened to the drumming and chanting.  I didn't feel separate. I didn't feel like an outsider.  I felt like part of a community that loved someone.  I felt connected.

How do I eat this?


Many years ago, when I was in my twenties,  I volunteered in a program that paired people with new refugees.  It was just a simple program of befriending someone new to the country.  The idea was to spend time with them, maybe help them with English a little, and be available to explain things that were confusing in this culture.

I was friends with a lovely woman from Ethiopia.  We took long walks.  I helped her with her English.  We went out for coffee.  We talked a lot but some days she was just so sad.  I didn't know specifics, but I knew she had been through a lot of trauma.  So, at times there was a heaviness and an unbearable sadness about her that I could not begin to reach.

One day she invited me and my husband over to her apartment for dinner.  I knew she didn't have much and it was really an honor to be asked. There were quite a few family members and other friends there- all Ethiopian.   It was uplifting to see her in her own home, her comfort zone, her element.    She was lighter and moved with more confidence.  I could tell that she enjoyed taking care of me for once.

That was the first time I had eaten Ethiopian food.  So, she served us this injera, which looks like a big spongy pancake.  It's a sourdough risen flatbread.  On top of the injera was a stew of meat and vegetables with lots of spices.  There wasn't  a table, so I sat down in a chair balancing the plate on my lap and wondering how exactly I was supposed to eat this.  I had not been given any silverware.  I'm sure I looked a bit confused.

My friend caught my eye, nodded at me, and without any words  demonstrated how to tear off a little bit of the injera and scoop up the stew and eat it.  Others in the room caught on to what she was doing and smiled and laughed.  And, then I was able to laugh at myself and clumsily started to eat.

It was so good-delicious food- but made so much richer by the experience.  How nice it must have been for my friend to be my teacher and the culturally competent one for a change.

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Yesterday, I was wearing some sparkly snowflake earrings.  When the same student from the beginning of my story saw me in the morning, she exclaimed to me, "Miss!  Christmas earrings!  Beautiful!"

What a joyful and refreshing perspective she has.  She is a Muslim girl experiencing her first Christmas in America.  And her eyes are wide-open in the best possible way.  She is seeing it all with wonder, awe, and appreciation.

We can all learn something from her when we deal with the Other or when we feel like the Other. We can learn to move towards the new, the different, and unfamiliar.

Even go a step further and Embrace the Other.

Maybe, just maybe, you will experience joy and beauty like my precious student.

The Magic of Laughter and Uno

We play chess every day in the Newcomer Center and I'm going to write a longer post about that sometime.  Today, however, I want to talk about another really serious game:  the game of UNO.  :)

Uno is a great game to teach the Newcomers.  Anyone can play it and learn it quickly.  It only involves vocabulary for a few numbers and colors.  So even if you have zero English, you can figure it out pretty quickly.

There is something beautiful and magical about watching a table of kids from Mexico, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Sudan, Somalia,  and Ethiopia play this game together.

And, of course, every experience in the Newcomer Center is also an opportunity to teach language so you will hear a lot of things like this.

"Me turn!!!."   Teacher- Try: "My turn."

"You no say Uno!"   Teacher:  Try: "You didn't say Uno!"

"Me win!"  Teacher:  Try "I win."  And, also try to be more gracious.  :)

Sometimes they get so into it, it's almost as loud, raucous, and competitive as a soccer game.  I mean, you have to SUPERVISE these Uno games or they can get out of hand.

On Friday, we played Uno in the afternoon and for several kids it was their first time.  I played with a group of 5 boys.  One of them arrived a few months ago and is very quiet and shy.  He looked so terrified and overwhelmed for a while, but gradually he has become more comfortable.  He can't say much and I often think and wonder about all the worry and emotions tied up inside of him.

I like to be kind of dramatic and tease when we play Uno, so if one of them gives me a "Draw 4" or skips me, I make my eyes get really big and I act supremely offended.  Sometimes I mention that this may result in an F for the day.  (They know I'm kidding).

Well, this boy I'm talking about really got a kick out of this and the whole experience of the game.  I saw him really laugh hard for the first time.  His eyes lit up; the worry was erased.  His whole face crinkled into a huge smile and his face looked so bright, alive, and happy.  He smiled and laughed. And it was MAGIC. PURE MAGIC.